who do I fuck, the girl waiting for me upstairs or her roomate making me mac and cheese right now?? This is the single hardest decision I've always wanted to have to make
The guy in front of me in lecture is using a fifth of smirnoff as a water bottle.
Nevermind, it's not water.
dude i just figured out that the tostitos sign is two people eating chips and salsa. being high totally pays off sometimes
Turns out Woolite can get the cum stains out of her moms couch.
I mean, I'd wanted to go skinny dipping, hook up with him and have sex on a beach, so last night I basically killed 3 birds with one super slutty stone.
Also, I just saw a woman change into her stripper outfit in the bathroom at Target.
Get in the lobby, you have to sign my boxers
One fish gets drugged and suddenly I'm labeled a bad pet owner. This is so unfair.
Bonus points if the penis has a little hat too
Just discovered i ordered the nhl center ice package back in september, the operator said there was a note next to the time I called, indicating I may have been intoxicated while calling (no clue why but it was noted)...meaning I was drunk...meaning ill never miss another sabres game...i love me and am beaming with self pride
She asked how many sexual partners I'd had and I was like "Honestly I don't even know". And then she said "well last time you said 8." And my inner monologue busted out laughing and I was like "Oh I'd say like 11 or 12.....plus 20."
He said he's going to karaoke tonight and I just spilled a bunch of Cheetos on the floor and ate them all. So that's my night.
Yeah, he threw a chair and hit her in the side of the head. She started hysterically crying and then proceeded to continue kicking our ass at beerpong. The girls got talent.
I also guarantee you multiple orgasams and blueberry pancakes
Heard about your divorce. Let me know if I can do anything for you or your penis ;-)
Randomize
