This dress was meant to end up on your floor
i left the bar a little after you and ended up flipping my car in the arbys drive thru
I just Organized my jello shots by their colors in my mini fridge for the rest of the week. I'm going places in life.
you dont seem to understand my overwhelming need to watch space jam right now
Lesbian chick is doing her presentation on the time she woke up on the dockside still drunk at 7 am. This is why I show up to chinese class.
I just bought condoms at Big Lots. please save this text so you can laugh at me in 9 months
Just realized I'm marrying a man that's never gone down on me. What happened to my priorities?
He calls it "his noble steed" and i plan to ride it.
I didn't notice because vodka
There is a 90 percent chance I threw up in a mailbox last night....
Just realized i left my bra at his house. WHY do i suck at one night stands?!
Nothing like being buzzed at 10:20am off wine shots in Amish country
I asked for a cup of water. They gave me tequila. They WANT ME TO DIE
You sent me a very drunk love letter
Was it the one about pterodactyls?
I was disappointed I thought you actually loved me
OHMYGOD YOU REALLY THINK I'D BE ON OPRAH?!
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