I guess there's a 50 percent chance that it was her that wet my bed.
He’s a liberal pot smoker and perfect for me. He invented a game where we have to smoke a joint every time you hear a Middle Eastern accent on NPR.
so i was pissing and the phone rang but i forgot i was pissing so i just ran to answer the phone. it was too late when i realized
just threw the rents a curveball by making french toast and bacon when i came home sober. good luck tellin when im high/drunk now.
You picked me up and threw me on a barstool and shoved shots in front of me.
Thats like the definition of a good friend
Sorry for drunk singing "love hurts" to you at 3 am.
the problem with having sex for lunch when its 98 degrees outside is that I can't tell if its sweat or semen running down my leg as I walk back in the office
Frozen pudding on a popsicle stick. Bill Cosby would be so proud of drunk me.
I thought it went well, but he just sent me a video of me sucking an icicle on the fire escape of his building with the caption "The ice got more than I did." Somehow I feel like I owe him a blowjob.
Just for future reference, me asking if you're free, followed by a winking face is not my way of suggesting a tandem bike ride.
We don't have paper towels so I microwaved a spinach/egg sandwich thingy wrapped in toilet paper. Toilet paper. so that's how my day started.
Looks like it rained condoms in my room last night
Did April legit get married in a parking lot?
Sorry about peeing on your phone last night
I know she’s pissed I fucked her husband, but I didn’t know he was married until after I blew him at Legoland
Randomize
