I blacked out in 45 minutes and woke up with a missed call from someone I saved in my phone as the karate kid.
and this is why I hate my dad. He got 25x more angry with me when I wanted to drive a different route then he suggested to get to his house (more scenic- thus more enjoyable) then he did when I told him I was driving drunk with 4 people in the car and I got my 5th speeding ticket last night.
Ever since he's come out, my facebook stalking experience has gotten uncomfortable
i just realized that the oil change sticker on my windshield is a day before the last time i had sex. I've driven exactly 10500 miles since.
you need to get laid.. and an oil change.
The investigator asked if we were sharing a pitcher of margaritas. I corrected him and explained that we each had our own.
I just peed behind the dumpster and dedicated it to you. Can i call u?
He came up behind me making dolphin noises in my ear when I noticed a collection of hors d'ouevres from the reception earlier in his jacket pocket
I will never doubt you again...he IS perfect for you
I was basically shocked at how calmly you accepted my violently shoving a french fry in your mouth.
Nothing like playing hide and seek with a state patrol officer early in the morning to get your heart rate up.
I was scared I had HIV after last time so I'm not gonna do it again
But he was really hot
Glad you don't have HIV
You just get me....like our souls are boning in the spirit world
I don't remember anything but bad decisions last night
Don't mention it
Just endorse me for cunnilingus on LinkedIn
Whatever douche. I sucked the dick that made you. I. Win.
Santi's no longer allowed to buy booze in my lane. Last thing I need is a midlife crisis looking at his Id again.
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