my number is 615-555-1212, <3 your favorite asshole
Its only 8 and she is already passed out
Perfect here is wht u do. Gently slip your index middle and ring finger into her butt hole but gently u dont wnt to wake her..let me know when ur ready for step 2
I need a leather bustier to keep them in.
Too kinky for 11:30am. Stop that.
It was sunday, you had a camel back of bloody mary stumbling around a dog park with no dog.
We kept trying to bring you to the hospital but you had a tantrum and kept saying you would never be Miss America
Dude, I need a lifestyle change. I'm to old to be making out with chicks in foam parties, letting older chicks get all excited because I let them put their hands up my shirt, and running around doing scavenger hunts with 18 yr old chicks.
Wow it must be so difficult to be as popular as you are and smoke as much weed as you do
Nah. After about 5 shots he decided he needed to clean the gutters. We're headed to the hospital now so meet us there.
I'm at the point in my life where I'm gonna sell my eggs for cash
Tell me why I woke up outside of our hotel room Wearing a cowboy hat and boots in Las Vegas.
All I remember about last st pattys day was I was in a bathtub with full bubbles, fully clothed, drinking out of a flamingo lawn ornament that someone cut a hole in.
Please don't finger me like a jackhammer. I'm a woman not a construction site.
sorry didn’t mean to call you, i was just trying to put the t-rex emoji beside your name
It's been THREE DAYS. Why do I still have the munchies?!
Don’t drink the Bloody Mary - it’s vodka and salsa.
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