The child next door sounds like he's having vigorous sex in the backyard and it's making me very, very uncomfortable. I don't want to look.
This is why I'm not putting my name in lights over your bed.
i forgot what you looked like. so we left to get pizza. sorry
mom asked me why i'm never sober at family events, i told her i learned it from her.
i'm making a list of conversation topics in my blackberry so the ride won't be so awkward
I just realized this is gonna be the last time that I'm high in my childhood home. I'm kinda sad. I'm really high..
A piece of cheeseburger just fell between my tits. Consider this a "wish you were here" postcard.
Whatever dude, just dont tell her your first impression was she looked like your cousin. no judgement here. just sayin.
I made one of my coworkers cheers to me not being pregnant. I've never talked to him before tonight. Keeping it classy.
Look, sometimes you have to snapchat a topless photo of yourself in the middle of class just to prove you can. I can and I did. End of argument.
Guys, as my favorite vagina consultants I have to share something.
My professional advice is not to put lemons in your lady pocket.
This is possibly the most humiliating moment of my life. I have diarrhea, in a port-a-potty, at the Renaissance Festival.
This hangover is what we deserve after that level of debauchery.
He dared you to draw a map of the USA on your wall in mustard. You drew something that vaguely resembled a velociraptor eating Oklahoma, got embarrassed because you forgot how to spell America, then hid out in the coat closet until everybody left.
Damn that sucks I haven't needed pants the whole time i've been here
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