oddly enough my penis is pretty tan. the part of my body that gets the least amount of sunlight is tanner than most of the rest of my body.
I think its part of male evolution. Pretty soon they'll have diamonds on them and taste like chocolate.
I just remembered Dan asking me all polite in the middle of sex "do you mind if I get behind you?" that was the most polite way I've been asked to do it doggy style
Note to all middle aged "I totally let myself go after childbirth" frumpy mothers: I do not dress this way for your husbands. Stop looking at me like that. It's not my fault.
last night was the icing on my 3 week vodka binge cake
mom in a round about way told me to either donate my eggs or become a surrogate bcuz I need money.
you grabbed the waitors dick and yelled '2nd base' and then he gave you his number. I hate your life.
Is it mean to convince my old booty call she used me for sex so I can bang her again before I leave for Denver?
Got paid to make out with a girl. It takes skill to be this drunk and still make money
I'm surprised I haven't crapped out a leprechaun, I'm so hungover
So it's safe to say that it's all down hill from here
Do you mean easy livin or downward spiral of alcoholism and disappointment
DO NOT SLAP ANYONE WITH ANY VEGAN MEAT PATTIES
THIS IS THE 11TH FUCKING COFFEE TABLE THAT YOU AND RICHARD CRASHED THROUGH.
I'm surprised me and Richard survived 11 of your coffee tables.
YOU TWO ARE BUYING ME A NEW ONE I AM PISSED.
You're going to find someone that you love very much and that loves you, and then you're gonna find an additional person that you literally can't stop staring at from across the room. I feel very confidently about that
That butt dial turned into a booty call.
I guess I called her at 2am, demanding that she bring us food. She told us to order pizza, and I yelled "DON'T MENTION PIZZA!" I recall nothing.
Randomize
