just brushed my teeth with a bottle of jack. ew. not all it's hyped up to be.
The Wii Fit is already telling me I'm an alcoholic.
You know its bad when convincing your mother you were masturbating is the better alternative
this morning your mother said to me "sorry to have to meet you like this, in my sons bed" later she said "you never know whos gonna be in there. its scary sometimes"
woke up with the bag of wine duct taped to my shoulder.
at the last minute we also decided to throw an egg in the beer bong. and he drank it, shell and all.
saying that you may be able to suck the gay out of me was just my way of getting a blowjob...thank you for the valiant effort.
My halloween constume SCREAMS "Hey i just got done with a shitty relationship and I'm DTF"
Half my face is frozen, my vagina is broken, I'm wearing only gym shorts eating a plate of mashed potatoes, avatar is on my tv. There's a naked guy on my couch whose name idk. I needa talk to you asap
Can you send me a picture of you not naked, my mom wants to see what you look like
Our house almost burnt down last night. I woke up at 4:10am to the smoke alarm going off bc the bean bag chair was on fire so i extinguished it and smoked a bowl at 4:20 to celebrate my fire extinguishing abilities
Dad just showed up on someone else's golf cart, filled an ice chest with booze and left while yelling "SHINANIGANS!!!!" this is going no where fast.
Just saw a government minister puke and rally.
Yeah I mean subtle isn't how I'd describe your flirtation strategy last night
His wife found the thong I “forgot” in his glovebox
Randomize
