Ummmm the art teacher neighbor asked me to pose nude for her art class for cash.
apparently i peed in my fridge last night because my vegetable drawer was filled with it.
I just found glass in my funny face pancakes, there's nothing funny about that.
He's sitting on the floor holding his bracket and crying, literally crying... he just keeps saying "Kansas how could you?" over and over
He made me stop in the middle of giving him a blowjob so he could go get his glasses. because he "wanted to see". I need to stop dating nerds.
people who like being in relationships make me feel bad about myself.
I puked in the revolving door and had to sit down on the escalator. That hungover. It's safe to say people are judging me.
just found gum connecting my sunglasses to my floor board. you don't want to know where else it was.
I was talking to a guy at my work, and mid-sentence he started vomiting violently for about five minutes, then he said, " great dope" and carried on like nothing had happened.
Drunk puking in my bathtub has plugged it up for the third time this year. I hate these calls to my landlord.
I told the emergency room nurse I didn't want to stop and ruin the moment. She said safewords are there for a reason. Super condescending. Got her number though.
Turns out it's a fake number.
Because I'm currently dying, lacking waffles, and vaguely convinced I'm an eagle
I do have a history of lying to Customs. I once convinced them I was an astronaut.
So then I got so stoned I sat and took my pulse for 10 minutes.
Why are you hurting?
Tried to drink all the beer in Nashville last night....failed.
Randomize
