i knew he was a douchebag when his facebook activities were "ladeis," and "gettin crunk wit ladeis"
it was like fucking gandolphs beard
he ran me a hot bath. i thought i was in a pot and was going to be eaten. i was strangely ok with this
I'm pretty sure he told me he was sterile and I told him I was on the pill. The positive pregnancy test I'm holding in my hand right now tells me that at least one of us was lying.
It's only 11:30 and she's already making friends with the homeless...
I thought that u needed a break due the fact that your nipples were bleeding
It was darkish out, I was shit faced, and they should have marked the electric fence a little more clearly. The entire wedding reception saw me run full force into it
I just kept screaming "I'm fucking a preacher's son!" Also, this water tastes like weed.
Apparently all year they've been using me as a standard of drunkenness
Im gonna wear a random assortment of things for Halloween, guy with the most creative answer gets laid
I cut myself stripping on your car. Probably a profession I shouldn't pursue
SMOKEY THE BEAR CAME AT US WITH FUCKING AXES IN MY DREAM I THINK IT IS A SIGN TO STOP BLAZING IT IN THE WOODS
I just had a flashback to us shaking up Gatorade mix and then inhaling it in your kitchen because it was funny. Now I can't stop laughing in work because that is the stupidest shit.
He tried to kiss me in the middle of hooking up... it was a deal breaker. I got off him and left.
So making out with chicks at the bar is fine and dandy, but your booty call can't kiss you? You have the strangest fucking rules...
drinking vodka out of a wine glass to feel a little bit classier about myself.
Randomize
