The guy at McDonald's just told us there is no flash photography allowed.
my breakfast just consisted of gushers (made with real fruit!) and they're trying to tell me im not eating right?
STOP fucking him and come play in the snow with us!
Nothing says "get your life together" better than waking up in a tub full of your own vomit. Twice. In one night.
I must say your penis is just as photogenic as you
It's like playing clue with my own life. I have to piece together what I did, where I was, how I did it, and who I did it to
i think i made a good impression on his friends wen i survived 55 cup beer pong
So im on with some ukrainian stripper for a vodka tasting tomorrow. If I die tell my family im awesome
Do you remember Kelly my alter personality? She talked like a man and would sing amazing grace?
Highlight of the week: I had sex with a B movie star wearing an eye patch.
VAGINAS ASSEMBLE!
I'm not seeing this movie with you.
So I stappled myself into my toga... that should be interesting getting out of later tonight...
Why did u text me "I want to get drunk and go to pizza hut tomorrow. don't let me forget." at 3am??
That text was pretty fucking self-explanatory, man.
Dude whoeverrs house this is has only creeam cheese and beer in the fridge. Thats my kinda diet
They want a bedroom just for their cats. And you thought we were gay.
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