Just woke up. I have a "Detective Jacob Arnold's" business card in my pocket.
I don't care if you go out, because at the end of the night I know i'll be the one fucking you.
that was completely unnecessary, true, but unnecessary
i just bought plan b at the bus station. happy holidays and welcome to a new level of white trashiness.
i just found out the cashier has a picture of my junk in her phone.
he fell asleep like an hour after we got to the beach, he deserved that penis shaped sunburn.
Yeah, first time I've shit my pants in my twenties... I'm thinking about putting it on my Facebook timeline
I don't save the phone numbers of guys I don't like. That way it's a surprise when a random number texts me and tells me I have great tits.
My worst fear almost came to light...I was choking and the cats stared at me like they had no problem eating my face if I died
I received a sext from my girlfriend, and a deal for free chips and guacamole at chipotle at the same time. I have tasted heaven, and it is beautiful.
I'll come hang out with you guys later, but right now my parents aren't home and I have to take full advantage of being able to watch porn on full blast.
Being able to fart in her presence and not be judged is why I pay half the rent.
I told her my hands felt like they touched the sun, never been that stoned before
no we just smoked too much weed and listened to the tarzan soundtrack. phil collins is amazing
Did I tell you he put a lobster carcass on his dick?
so on the street and some kid is chanting "cheeseburger, cheeseburger, cheeseburger!" while pumping his fist in the air. i agree.
Randomize
