I assume you are not resopnding because you are having sex thus i give you a text message high five
My balls are so social today.
Whoever said drinking more helps a hangover didn't drink 96% of a fifth of whiskey last night. This is absurd.
yeah, he just sent me a picture of himself with his shirt off.... It didnt turn me on, it just made me want to buy him a big mac....
If there was a game called "keeping your legs shut," I would lose every time.
I know I am usually the slut but tonight it's her. She is being a slut, yes slut, T as in Tomorrow, U as in Uterus, L as in Llama and S as in Sangria. That spells slut, but backwards and that's what she is being.
Used my jumper cables as a bottle opener last night. Really pleased with my problem solving skills.
I told him if I was pregnant we were coming out to the people at work, because I'm not pretending to get knocked up by an imaginary boyfriend.
Getting high magically turns headaches into rainbows.
I feel like telling him your vigina was older than him was not a good pick up line.
Next time you're baked eat baked beans and potato chips together. Like dip them in the beans. It's so good
Lets trade lives
And i will lay in bed and piss all over everywhere, drink whiskey and have sex with married bears
Is it weird that the cop that arrested me called me twice to tell me that I left my ring at the police station
Dude we smoked with a bunch of random stoners in a forest, then group hugged. It was the most magical thing we've ever done.
He thought it would be sexy if he found my clothes and dressed me, and it was..until he found a thong under his bed and assumed it was mine. It wasn't
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