I just found that girl ____ on facebook, her activities include "church nursery" yikes
your life is more of a joke than dina lohan.
if you\'re going to compare me please pick the classy one. Michael Lohan.
Should you consider yourself out of control when everyone at the party is cheering you on while you're puking, and on the last heave you act like you're rolling dice right before the finale???
The shit I just took was my body's way of telling me bourbon and mixed nuts aren't an appropriate dinner. Well played, colon. WELL. PLAYED.
Last thing I ever expected to say, "Get your finger out of my ear or I will stop sucking your dick."
The guy who bit me so hard two nights ago that I had to put Neosporin on my nipple and the guy in my bed right now are two different people. Help
What happened?
New Orleans
Every time
Welp. It's confirmed. There is literally no lube on this entire island. Fuck me. More accurately, don't fuck me.
I've decided if you aren't here in fifteen minutes I'm leaving you for Mario the 75 year old Colombian bartender.
I was the only one in group sessions to bring up sex as a stress reliever. Some of those people were awfully judgy despite the fact we were all in a psych ward.
I LinkedIn messaged people about jobs when I was blacked out
You poured all their beer into ziploc baggies so it would be "better on the go"
I'm going to blow a ton of money on sex toys just so I can tell you to do better than them.
It's sunday night and I just went to the store to buy cookie dough and condoms, I'm so proud of myself.
sad thing: we were only a shot away from an orgy. good thing: we all got laid.
Randomize
