everything was goin great until he pulled out his ed hardy lighter and smoked in my face like he was cool.
it's like you attract all the douchebags that nobody wants. people should thank you.
I feel like I'm back in highscool trying to hide my erections at work
she told me i tasted like america
he went up stairs with nothing on but calvin klein's and an eskimo hat, said hi to her dad, got a doughnut, and left like it was an everyday thing
Aside from the fact that there's a penis in my mouth, that's a pretty good picture of me
I'm impressed you managed to decipher 'annslqllpprebBcncnj' into 'I'm drunk at the Vic, come pick me up and do me on the kitchen table'
As girls, Bert & Ernie are not very bangable costumes. At least not by who we'd want to get banged by.
I was kidding. But I promise you I'd still find us the most eligible bangables, even if we dressed up like a dumpster and a prom night baby.
She just hopped out of the car at a red light to pet the baby Jesus in the nativity scene.
Not worth it.
Me and allie were just offered cocaine by a strange man in a women's bathroom. Why have I not lived in Austin my whole life?
I piss off the neighbors just so I can have someone to compete with.
I woke up wearing a lax pinnie under my shirt, a triathlon medal, and a dora backpack... I think I had fun
Ugh. I'm going to die alone, sister. Half-eaten by one of my thirty-seven cats and clutching a martini shaker
Dude, I'm trippin balls. For real, I thought this bag on my floor was my dog for the longest time...
Moral of the story: I had sex to Back to the Future last night.
Look at us. Planning our business meeting. Including snacks like shrooms & trail mix.
Randomize
