I envy your ability to put any word in front o the word beer and make drinking before 5 sound like a socially sanctioned event.
there's a taquito in the driveway. If it's not yours I'm going to eat it.
By the way, I think my next facebook status update will read, "Aaron recently found out Vanessa's a screamer."
oh god.
new level of vanity: sex dreams about deep throating myself...
There's a 24 hour period after giving head where you can't eat penis shaped food without me laughing at you
she's throwing things again.. almost stabbed herself in the eye with a fork.
Hunting for men at chipotle... I feel like I should be more disappointed that this is the way my life is going but I'm really just excited for the potential.
I think I just got a contact from my own exhale. Def dying.
he turned down sex AND sandwiches. who the hell does that?!
My dog just threw up a condom. Sorry for accusing you of not wearing one, I found it now.
These are your "grown up" slampiece's new hours of operation; please plan accordingly
There's a guy here who is improvising his own shadow dance on a table against the wall, in case you're wondering how my night is going
what's the least obnoxious place that i could barf on the bus?
I just peed on a rich man's lawn fuck yeah America
Like, when both of your dads are drag queens you're bound to have some amazing Halloween makeup
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