where are you
in your bedroom
how did you get in
your wife…
WTF
Your vagina is a self cleaning oven.
please quote me on this- the only thing worse than being ugly is being ugly and thinking that you're pretty
Grilled cheese is the best thing. ever. better than boys, and alcohol, and sex, and chocolate, and money. But not really the last two.
she's in the bathroom. spitting in the trashcan. not throwing up. just spitting and singing bad romance by lady gaga.
thatta girl
It's like salsa. But with balls in it. I like to call it balsa
It's four o'clock and my 60yo aunt's tits have already made an appearance and there is a dildo traveling around the room periodically assaulting family members. Strangely I am thankful.
He got violent drunk so we have to untie him in the morning. He's in your basement and you're out of electrical tape. Don't forget because I will.
I spent the whole weekend building houses out of popsicle sticks for my bowls. How was your weekend?
So the next three days will be henceforth known as the 'celebration of the end of the most irresponsible years of my life' be prepared to wake up naked in a ditch.
They gave me patron and potatoes I couldn't say no
My hangover didn't kick in until like 4pm so I found myself puking in the middle of Times Square. During rush hour. In a three piece suit. A spongebob came by and patted me on the back.
You know your Halloween costume is slutty when you have to shave your pubes to wear it.
When he pulled out it sounded like a balloon deflating
so at target i bought condoms, on sale undies, pasta roni, and martini mix. the old lady who rang me up asked "honey are you a freshman?" yea lady i am, thanks.
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