she was screaming in french about how classy it was to be drinking wine. oh... she was drinking it out of the bottle. with a beer in her other hand while throwing up.
last night was the icing on my 3 week vodka binge cake
that girl from work that wants to bone me just said 'the last time i went this long without sex was in jail'. sup, red flag
We somehow managed to get the sumo-wrestler costume into the washing machine, but I don't think the cupcake icing completely came off... And it still smells like tequila.
dont call me baby and dont touch my ears. ITS ALL I ASK
Ohhhh sweet! I may be down for that. I'll be a german beer girl probably passed out on a park bench somewhere.
I have a pocket in my purse that is just for condoms and cocktail swords. I feel like that speaks volumes about me as a person
Ten minute nap on a staircase honey badger don't care
I love you. Mom got to wasted at the wedding that she threw up on my shirt.
If God invented something better than rough, drunken, lesbian sex he kept that shit to himself.
you can't let guys come on your chest and then hog my blanket
just creeped your profile pictures and you should feel satisfied in knowing that you had great eyebrows even before people started drawing them on
I admit it could have gone better but look at it this way, since I broke the urn you don't have to worry about spreading the ashes.
You added his wife on Facebook?! You're horrible at this mistress thing
It wasn't until after we began having sex again the next morning I realized I didn't know his name.
theres a girl in the library eating whip cream out of a starbucks cup... only whip cream, im way to high for this shit
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