Things I find upon waking: a gay man, a straight girl both clad in web bathing suits, a full bathtub, an empyt bottle of jamesons at the bottom and a scuba mask
Found a phone last night. Hope "daddy" gets picture messages
He tried to pick up a girl by telling her about his homosexual experience in high school.
Of all the things I am low enough to do, how could you even doubt if that was one of them?
We're going to shave my junk and take pictures of it wearing fake mustaches we found at the dollar store. They're uncannily realistic; much better than the cockstaches of my youth.
Found plan b box covered with blood. In kitchen sick. Pickle jar is empty. Wtf happened?
From what I can tell at a cursory glance, it seems that last night I fell asleep on string cheese and it melted into my bra.
I'd say things got weird when I started doing lines of molly in the box.
The family next to you was not pleased
That's always how I imagine things at your apartment...
Good, I'm glad you don't have some weird, skewed, clothed version of reality over here.
The fact that me being able to walk down stairs is an accomplishment in my books pretty much explains how I am
Actually just remembered that solo cup full of scotch that random guy gave me for not farting on him. That's probably why
the bartender goes "wow its so good to see you sober" and gives me a hug
a girl walked up to me and asked if you were my brother. she shook her head and said 'im so sorry' when i said yes. what did you fucking do????????
It's such a sad loss when a hot guy finds Jesus and grows a neckbeard
So, I ran into Garrett last night in the laundry room.
Oh really? First post break-up run in. How'd it go? Awkward?
Um. We had sex on a washing machine.
Randomize
