Sometimes I wonder if we could be friends if we lived closer.
I thought this kinda shit only happens to ugly people
Is it too weird if im a sexy tampon for halloween?
he told my vagina that he was looking forward to meet it
I should just wear a shirt that says "Im Sorry" on the front because the second we land in Vegas, I'm going to be a fuckin trainwreck.
at one point last night, you were literally auctioning me off. "reeeally drunk hot girl ! we'll start the bidding at an ice cold corona. oh, we have a bidder! do i hear a shot of whiskey? going once, going twice.."
youre welcome
What happened to chicks over dicks?
That rule does not apply to 9 inch dicks..
Part of me was thinking I should go old school and get a chasity belt before the semester starts. Really lock that shit down. But then I thought, fuck that. I'm going to hit that campus like an f5 whorenado
We should totally stay in at new years, have sex and try to time orgasm to the countdown
I felt guilty, it was so good!
Guilty? Oh great, I give the Jewish mother-in-law of blowjobs.
I thought adderall would sober me up, but it did NOT.
Bought pregnancy tests in bulk off amazon. Kinda feel insulted that it asked if I wanted to subscribe for regular shipments.
I'm so sexually frustrated I feel like I'm going to kill my turtle
He fucked me so well and hard that the couch slid into the Christmas tree. I had to pull branches out of my hair.
While I was giving him head he told me he had to go door to door the next day and "spread the word of Jesus Christ" I felt like a Disney villain out to steal his virtue.
Randomize
