Does it count as a shower if I just sat in the tub singing I'm a Little Teapot?
I have big tits. Rules don't apply to me.
Why does every girl think its ok to cheat on their boyfriends with me?
Well he has a girlfriend. So I told him that I wanted to have sex way more than I wanted to be a decent human being.
I just saw her take the entire bowl of lime wedges from the bar and pour them all in her purse, and now using the empty bowl as a hat. Waiting for security to come and throw her ass out.
Why do you think it's a no-pants party?
Invite says "dress to impress". Her fault for leaving it open to interpretation.
I went to the bar saying i wasn't going to drink that much. I forgot sobriety might as well be some mythical creature when you're with Holleey
I did the walk of shame in nothing but a sleeping bag and now I'm on my way to pick up plan B. Let's not make a habit of this.
Sounds like a good New Years
You played Frank Sinatra today after we had sex. You moved way up in my literal book of men. Congrats.
Confirm that you received these messages so that I know you feel the agony of my vagina. There is such a thing as "too many penises".
What good is being a girl if you can't terrorize boys with pregnancy scares??
The council and I are about to open up a bottle of malort.
UPGATe: THE COUNCIL AND I HAVE AGREED TO BAHN MALORT FROM THE HOUSEHOLD
This is what we get for finishing a whole box of Franzia by ourselves
I won the 'drunkest person at a family event' award tonight.
Don't care if they even pay me; I lifeguard for the fringe benefits -- free tourist vagina in the Hilton jacuzzi every single night
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