Yours is on the dinner table...mine is in my underwear drawer.
She tried to have sex with him but he quote unquote respected her
Pretty sure she's used to bigger guys. She kept slipping off while on top. like, constantly
I think the puke all over the side of my car actually improves its appearance.
someone wrote "the short drunk lives here" on our door. i already have a reputation
a guy tried paying for lapdances with cds, who uses those anymore?
Did I hear correctly when it sounded like he said "just don't let me throw up into your vaj?"
He scratched off my spray tan. Literal nail marks down my back. Can't imagine what's underneath his fingernails.
Blow job season was short but glorious.
I was in the bathroom and I heard a phone ding inside one of the stalls. I really wanted to say, nature is calling, but I was still in my work uniform
11% beer and firearms, what could possibly go wrong?
Sooo, did you delete me cause I said I wouldn't babysit you while you did shrooms? You're a grown man.
Apparently she hired a private investigator when he took out a restraining order on her. So the answer is no, I didn't hit it.
The gate guard just said to me, "I almost didn't recognize you in uniform. Welcome back." I think I need to lay off the booze.
Mom wants to know if you're coming over or if it's safe for her to take her bra off...
Randomize
