He wore homemade jorts on our first date. I'm not sure if I should leave now or embrace the white trash lust and marry him
i just wanna lock my vagina in a safe filled with bandaids and healthy things
Is it possible to just pretend that everything we did after grilling up your goldfish didn't happen?
Or maybe my penis is just the key to their locked boxes of crazy, and I unleash their wrath upon all of mankind just so I can get my nut off
OH. MY. GOD. FUCK HIM. JUST GRAB HIM AND FUCK HIM.
Look, the fact that I didn't kick him out and rip your clothes off speaks very highly of me.
Responsible roommate: 1. Someone who takes a huge shit at work so as not to clog the toilet at home.
Wow, I just woke up in this conference with the woman beside me staring at me. This is what happens when hungover people sit in warm rooms...
Mike's my new hero. There's a flagpole of hook-up's bras on his porch and a week's supply of beer in his fridge but he still has a great job.
I wonder if my sister will drive me around while I do bong hits in the back seat..
It's really life affirming to be at a wedding thinking wow I took your husbands virginity
you asked how they got the microwave in the air. we had to explain three times that it was mounted there until you finally feel asleep
There's a big difference between a penis and a toilet.
Heels with jeans turned Casual Friday into Casual Sex With My Boss Friday
In hindsight I shouldn't have been blasting Antichrist Superstar if I didn't want to seem suspicious driving up to a Catholic church
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