i know they say sex burns calories but i think i actually gained weight from just lying there for the whole 2 minutes
i hate that you can chart my weight gain through my facebook pictures.
So then I sent a pic msg of the Magnum XL box to her friend
Of course, I believed he would find me irrestible...sloppy drunk, chugging from a bottle of chardonnay, and completely naked because those kids stole my clothes as I was swimming on their private beach
we tried to pick out bridesmaid dresses with pockets so we could sneak flasks in with us. what the fuck is the point of a dry wedding?
I think "I actually like giving blow jobs better" qualifies her as a keeper
If we ever start off with margaritas for breakfast and end up naked covered in olive oil...I could think of worse ways to spend a day.
Rule #127: If your going to try fuck a married guy, you gotta be hotter then his wife; diet starts today.
It's hard being an adult. And by that I mean it's hard to tell the boy you like who rejected you that you can't share a room with him at white party because you don't want to see him bang other boys.
NEW RULE: can't hook up with more than 50% of the groomsmen in wedding party or it becomes wrong kind of weird. NUMBERS GAME.
Did you just tell me you watch cartoon porn because it's more real?
What are the chances I get my period 2 weeks early just as welcome week starts. My uterus is conspiring with my dead catholic grandma
Me saying I wish i was a better person + me pretending I don't want to fuck on my period = me lying
So I fucked a guy with his mouth wired shut last night never thought id cross that off my imaginary bucket list
so i was thinking... those 6 am shots weren't really needed.
Randomize
