I'm waiting for seagulls to eat this throw up
i just walked in on my sister drunkenly sobbing to sarah mclachlan. its time for an intervention.
didn't that happen to you last weekend?
shut up.
i almost set my kitchen on fire last night. homecoming week is getting the best of me
At a Jewish lesbian wedding. I stick out like a sore, uncircumcised penis.
I'm hiding her cosmo magazine. the only sex tip she needs is to not handcuff her boyfriend to her roommates bed and lose the key
I suppose I should wish you a happy one year of bumping uglies
Girl please we both know I eat his bullshit up like its candy sprinkled with crack
I was just randomly reminded of the night you were wrapped up in a bed sheet carrying a full bottle of cookie dough vodka and warning neighbors of the weirdos running around
Please tell me that all of the things I remember doing last night didn't really happen. Please.
If it involves notarization or the Misfits, I am up to date. Anything else, I know fuck-all.
You just kept looking down at your tits and screaming "I LOVE YOU TWO!!!"
Woke up from a black out in a strangers Jeep without phone, shoes, or wallet.
I just saw your mom take a body shot off an undergrad, please tell me you're somewhere near by.
U NO SLUT. YOUR HEART IS JUST FREE.
I'm a freaking penguin. one mate for life, and really awkward at parties
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