My boyfriend woke me up in the middle of the night to have sex with me right before I had sex with another guy in my dream. What a unique sixth sense his penis has.
I am three bowls, two beers, and a muscle relaxer into babysitting. What are you doing.
My uncrustable is thawing in my straightener
Let's play a little game of "Last Night Never Happened"
Some old truck driver just made me smell his beard I hope tonight turns out better
It's like you're a magic genie of bad timing
Nothing like moscato in your sinuses tobmake your night complete
Note to self: do not ride giant beanbag chair down stairs.
Hey, I shot that toilet dead center, drunk, from at least 6 ft away. I'm a fuckin awesome shot. You guys were completely safe.
Yes, that toilet won't be hurting anyone anymore.... Hahaha
Made it just outside my dorm and yack on the front dirt. Wave to a dad thats staring, continue on my way.
just because you have a nice tits it doesn't make you a magic little snowflake.
I immediately woke up from my nap, made myself a screwdriver and got in the shower. I know it's spring break but I'm still questioning my life choices.
Is it ironic that our divorce court is a block from where we had our reception? Or is it just sad? Alanis has confused my understanding of irony.
I'm too drunk to make ramen. What the fuck is this.
Can you imagine doing supermarket sweep in a sex store? What's the sex store equivalent of a whole ham?
Randomize
