I just woke up under a kitchen table with my sandals taped to my feet and a corona bottle taped to my hand..
I found your dream girl. She looked 11 but drove and on her key chain it said "if i am not wasted the day is"
I used to practice getting hit by cars.
Good thing you didnt wake up last night. Wouldve found me naked talking to my closet asking to borrow my towel.
You climbed into the Suite next to us at the game so you could steal the half eaten hot dog someone had left on the table. That high.
You're the only person I know who would be upset about making out with a girl you like. You're like a drunken Charlie Brown.
I can feel the judgmental stares of Christians from around the world right now.
She's cute. And her snoring noises remind me of the incidental music from Jaws.
How many other adults do you think have slept naked under the Winnie the Pooh blanket sober?
He's sending me pics of Yellowstone scenery...the only thing I can think is "I would have sex next to that waterfall"
Future roommate keeps sending me pictures of cool shit she has for our dorm and I'm just like "... I have a set of Aggie wine glasses a great set of tits."
With 4 extra seconds dedicated to the dong.
These kind of text worry me.
he said "GREAT SCOTT" as he was cumming.
You shouted “im bobby labonte!” In the process of shoutgunning a beer. He said you were too redneck for him...
do you know why there was a glass jar of hot chocolate and a traffic flare in my shower?!! like where did that even come from
Randomize
