May have finally hit rock bottom...bouncer from the strip club informed me I wore the same shirt last night
I heard Topanga got a DUI. I need that mugshot asap.
Baconater + red wine = first meal of the day
I figured he was gay when I walked in on him working out to Flirty Girl Fitness.
she's like bobby knight all she does is scream and point
Now go wash the fat girl off your hands.
I can't make Walk of Shame Wednesdays a recurring theme.
I think they were cool with it, they should have know if I was the host of the baby shower it was going to involve a keg and jager shots.
Also. When I die, I'm gonna have them put me in the casket naked and then have an open casket funeral. That will be my last chance to make people uncomfortable.
Also, I'm kinda hungover this morning and I need to wire money to my lawyer. So this is what adulthood feels like
There is nothing wrong with watching parks and rec all day then getting blackout drunk by night
Life achievement unlocked: I just ate a Slim Jim "Lady and the Tramp" style with a guy in a bar.
I have one goal now that I am in the USA. To find a man I can fuck into marriage before my visa runs out.
Hey, don't blame me for the shitty evening; I wasn't the one who promised hookers, Dos Equis and foster kittens. Keith was.
It’s so white trash that I almost have to have it.
Randomize