If he comes back to you and I'm left alone in lonelytown I'm totally going to poo on your car.
I walked into the bathroom and the toilet was on fire... I stood there for like a minute trying to decide whether I should put it out or get my camera.
I didn't think I could chip a tooth while giving a blowjob until I met him.
There's a hand-carved wooden bong in my backpack, and i really wish i could remember last night now.
the tile , carpet , walls , cabinets , even the ceiling ... there is Jello everywhere
it was your idea to have indoor Jello wrestling man
Ok. Here's the plan. Take your hand (whichever is closest), summon all your nerve, and just stick it right down his pants.
I love you.
Spending 4 hours in the emergency room today tells me that your birthday party was a success.
Look. If you get me out of this speeding ticket you can bang my sister. Or my mom. But not both.
We turned on "find my friends" and watched her progress. Got concerned when she didn't move for an hour on Adelaide, turned out a booty call was made, then she went back to the bars.
turns out it took a Belgian couchsurfer dressed as Heisenberg to rock my world.
Aaaaaaaand dick pic. God bless america, and god bless tinder.
And then she said "welcome homeeeee!!!" As she got off. Best thing about being back from Afghanistan
Just remember, the Browns have more wins than Ronda Rousey this year.
Knew i was going to puke. So i grabed a bowl out of the kitcken in the dark before bed...Ended up puking into a spaghetti strainer...
Yeah. 11 people shoved in a clown car for a 1 hour party. I'm too old for house parties.
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