Note to self: When getting ready to leave with a kid in a wheelchair don't say Let's roll
New rule : you aren't allowed anything . Ever .
She started ignoring us once we told her we were out to celebrate your abortion. Who knew strippers could be judgemental?
Some girl, somewhere, is going to wake up with my face paint on her vagina
Your first words after putting out the flames, "how am I supposed to eat girls out with my top lip burned off??"
Yeah no more flaming everclear shots.
I don't know. I was hiding and the bed was banging. I am going to sleep now in someone's car.
OH MY GOD! I CAN FEEL A PULSE IN MY BALLS IT HURTS! ITS LIKE MINI FEMINIST NINJAS ARE ATTACKING MY BALLS!!!
Night one million where I have madri gra beads around my neck and no justifiable reason for where they came from
Vodka Red Bull is like your spinach if you were Popeye
Shut up. I hate you. We're doing shots tomorrow. Fuck the consequences.
i think we sleep fucked last night...
Aw. You're having cute FaceTime with your fiance, I'm trying to convince myself not to booty call a 42 year old. #adulting
Bro, I live in a constant state of existential dread and moderate ennui. The prospect of cosmic horror doesn’t faze me that much.
You started singing Baby Shark, screamed you have no idea how it goes, then somehow turned the beat into Bohemian Rhapsody
"Offered to eat Froot Loops out of my belly button" drunk. Thats how drunk.
Randomize