So stoned I forgot I was masturbating and went to go get a cookie.
i just learned how to squirt via google. life is good.
just peed on my foot to get a spider off. that lazy.
now that im off birth control, the world is a much scarier place
It's 5:30am in Vegas and I'm eating McDondalds next to crying prostitutes.....low point.
I can't decide who is the bigger alcoholic: you for opening that bottle of wine just now or me for hearing it in the other room over the air conditioner
I feel like jumping into a breast pit right now. Like the old school ball pits at mcdonalds.
Well, I found the missing blow... in my fucking suitcase... THIS MORNING. Yeah, I flew from FL to NY with blow in my suitcase yesterday.
I told you to check, dude
Yeah, AFTER I checked my bag and I was already sitting on a plane. Oh well. I figured worst case I'd do like 15 hours in county and I was totally prepared for that anyways. I always prepare for that when we hang out.
You are the voice of reason. And I'm bringing wine. Like seriously this is his last chance. Don't touch me once, shame on you.. Don't touch me twice, shame on me
Mcnellies. I'm drunk enough that you have a window. Capitalize.
What type of condoms do you get ? Oh and do you want a slurpee while I'm here
His dog ate the vibrator. The WHOLE vibrator. We spend the morning after trying to make it vomit up the battery. Why does this always happen to me?
well at least you got laid last nighT. I woke up on a pile of laundry
So I was walking to the bathroom and some random dude threw up while walking towards me. He kept eye contact the entire time and didn't stop moving.
I yelled at your uterus for you.
Randomize
