Now we are really drunk and her 17 yr old cousin is shitfaced. He may or may not have proposed a toast to octopuses and double fisting. And we just drank to Mexico.
unrelatedly i think im gonna download boogie nights just to see mark wahlberg's penis
there is potential here for me to have a consistent access to someone's dick who isn't actually an asshole. i think i'm ready for a relationship.
You stole a frozen pizza from the freezer, stuffed it in the back of your shirt then proceeded to leave the party.
So squirting runs in the family.
the cab driver asked if you were our mom. you definitely shouldn't have tipped him so much.
Omg I'm puking right now and then sneezed four times in a row. You don't know pain til this happens to you.
I probably should have waited until after the game to pity fuck him. You know, seeing as we lost.
Nearly got hit by a blue bell ice cream truck. Can I count on you to make plenty of puns like "her life was sweet, and so was her death" at my funeral if that was to happen?
Security has videotape of her blowing the boss against his car. Don't they know he entire parking lot is under video surveillance?
Well there's only 4 people in my class, we've watched a video, the instructors encouraged us to start using cocaine and now we are on break.
It's been productive.
but seriously, if you see a redhead running down the street tonight in a carrot costume, call 911. He's tripping hard.
It was a strange night. I made out with his college roommate and said "do you care?" beforehand.
Do not let Mike show you his naughty Santa Claus outfit. It's a super long beard and crotchless pants.
I can't believe the MLB is making the NHL look good.
Randomize
