I just put lube in Matt's bellybutton. He looks unhappy.
Can we just schedule bi-weekly fucks and bypass all the bullshit?
The reason i havent seen you yet better have huge tits
he was cumming and all I could think about was the pathway of sperm the in penis. thanks a lot nursing
so, she was so drunk she tried stabbing me with a corn dog stick
I don't have any money, so I'm just gonna press my boobs against him for his birthday.
She was horrified when I asked if they had any strap on chin dildos, I was at a sex shop for gods sake must I be judged everywhere
I was puking in the bathroom when my fake tooth fell off of my retainer so I just walked out of the bar and didn't say goodbye to my date
Seriously bro? Indoor roman candle wars? I guess I'll never see that fucking security deposit again
He was having this drunk emotional breakdown and I was just trying to cheer him up but instead fell and dumped the whole pickle jar on me
It was cool though because he was fine afterwards and somehow I convinced them I did it on purpose...
Worst. Date. Ever. He peeled a layer of bread off his mini burger buns because they had "too many carbs".
You'll love it there. Trust me. Cheap tequila, pretentious beer, tall white guys who will treat you badly. Its got everything you like.
I just want you to know that watching you throw up out of a cab in the McDonald's drive thru was probably the highlight of my night.
My bookbag can hold 30+ beers. They shoulda put that on the tag bc its a big selling point
Oral sex and brunch. The perfect sunday morning.
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