i'm sure her mom would have loved to find out her daughter has herpes via facebook
I miss waking up knowing you're passed out under my bed.
Swallowing. Like you said. Lions. Always.
i just wrote an ode to an enchilada dorito. i'll need that pregnancy test now please.
I'm using the house around the corner that my parents rent out to people as a means of getting sex. I just tell them I'm going for a walk and just invite my next hook up over
I was going through my mom's stuff to find her xanax, and I found her vibrators instead. Plural. That is like the opposite of what I wanted.
also please imagine me hopping a fence at 3am using two chairs. It was a shit show. K's guy practically ripped her off the top of the fence bc she got semi stuck. It was like watching Disney on Bud Ice.
The condition was that I had to eat her out to Beethoven
I came to the party for him. I don't know where he went, but I mentioned being hungry and his housemate brought me a huge tupperware container of berry cobbler. I think I'll stay.
WHY IS THERE NO EMOJI FOR "FUCK MY MOM JUST SAW MY SEX BRUISES?!"
I'm convinced he's the patron saint of oral sex
Now I’m honestly wondering if I took this kids virginity
..needless to say, i got fired. But I'm in the parking lot tanning on top of your car... so its not all bad.
Let's be real, he was never going to be tall enough
One can only be this extremely wet once a year and I feel like I'm bitch slapping god by not using this gift he has bestowed on me.
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