What do you do when the person in the stall next to you says they're jealous?
if my college career had corporate sponsors, they would be natty light and aim toothpaste.
Just tried to put my sweatpants on backwards...the chances of passing my physics exam just went down about 100%.
Change your flight to Denver. That's where my penis is.
you told the cop you blew a .08 because you ate poppy seeds
He came over while I was in the ER and hung pictures of himself around my house.
I'm not sure...it could be the pasta I ate from her sink, the dominoes, or just the alcohol. Or a wicked combination of all 3.
He appeared on my 7th floor fire escape and sang to me and jimmy through the window when we fucked. He's like a drunken mix of Sinatra and Spiderman.
My dream had 1 penis and 2 pizzas in it. Priorities?
i looked at my phone & had a message that said "tell your friend she needs to clean my livingroom, i dont appreciate her trying to turn it into a bubblebath." I give you probs.
You asked me if I was judging you for being drunk, and if I can hypnotize you make sober.
Just used my eyelash curler to open a bottle of cider...
I love the fact that my Mom has been present at 90% of my drug deals.
Ok, maybe playing "whose family is most dysfunctional" wasn't the best drunk idea we've had. Todd''s been crying in the bathroom for an hour. We can't get him out...
Oh the best part of having sex with him was that he made me a smoothie after
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