it was like playing where's waldo with your underwear
Whatever my ex gf's roomates talked shit about me so I jizzed in their shampoo bottle one night
the real housewives reunion is on...i wanna see if danielle can look any more surprised than the facelift allows
i wanna see dina punch her face back to normal
so then they started chanting "LET'S GET A LITTLE BIT SCHWASTED. S-H-W-...WASTED!" theres nothing like partying with former high school cheerleaders
Just got head while drinking hot cocoa and eating cookies. Never in my life have I felt more like santa claus
The only comparison I have for the iPhone is that it's like youre constantly getting a blow job
I kinda wanna eat your hands right now.
Put down the everclear and go to bed.
Your whole purpose in life is to just float around and satisfy lonely women and also join lesbian couples in threesomes.
Half of my brain feels like I donated it to science and they basically just poured jack Daniels on it and put out cigarettes into it before returning it to my skull
Also, rendered a whole bar silent last night when I told a guy to take off his panties and take a shot out of my cleavage. Video to follow...
Remember when you walked in on me sleeping INSIDE a pillowcase?
You just sat there staring at your apple and saying "I'm so glad you're here" to it every time you took a bite.
To be honest, the last time I saw him he had a jesus costume on telling people to pray to his bible.
So he's at the chuch?
No, hooters.
Sitting on couch, workout sex makes me more sore than regular workout
Really dude? drunk texts at 9 in the morning? its wednesday
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