I can't believe he cheated
Whatever. Anytime she has an orgasm, it's because I taught him how
hey remember that time we got really drunk, you tried to find narnia in my refrigerator and passed out in the freezer drawer??
no.
I Just realized that having a picture folder that says "not for mom" may give off the wrong impression to wondering eyes
you lied. pity sex is amazing.
she went home with me because she said i reminded her of paul rudd. remind me to thank him for his awkwardness
I am drunk at a castle and it isn't even 3. Europe is amazing.
He asked if I wanted to leave my bra on while we were doing it from behind bc he read somewhere that all that pounding can be painful for big breasts. THAT thoughtful.
sorry can't make it tonight, greg's getting back from italy. he's had two weeks of carbs and no gym; now's my chance to get myself a piece of that newly-fat, low self-esteemed ass.
I have so much shit FLYING through my head. They're all in magic carpets and everything
Everything was cool until I tried to photo bomb those Hells Angels, then it's all a blank
WHY WOULD YOU SWIPE RIGHT???!!!!!
The same reason I ordered and ate almost an entire pizza last night
I think pants incapable of making pants work
Is it weird to invite your FWB to thanksgiving dinner??
he'll eat me out, but god forbid we double dip when sharing salsa
My son's girlfriend just thanked me for having good penis genes.
Randomize
