Did you draw a mustache on my drivers license picture??
So I'm on the can right now reading a court transcript for an appeal. Some dude is paying $155 an hour for me to take a shit.
THAT stays in the CAR. And if one fucking person who was NOT in the car brings it up, I will KILL you. Thank you.
..So we should take it off Youtube?
I've see this movie. You sext me after the bar and fall asleep mid sentence. Roll credits.
I'm legit concerned I might pass out this weekend from having too much sex.
Can't. I took a Viagra to make sure I wouldnt leave the room so I might actually study.
If you were a good friend you would take the nipple tassels off me before the ambulance comes.
I actually took a sword out of your hands. You were samurai slashing lemons to make chasers.
Yeah. Just jump him. Naked. Claim his dick for yourself.
Like I feel like I use my high IQ for the wrong things
if i can hear my landlord's phone ring you think be can hear my vibrator?
Came so hard my ears popped. This lovely piece of news and pissin in my driveway brought to you by rum
Being single/not living at home sucks. All I want is someone I can force to pick up my pizza for me so I don't have to talk to anyone.
I got custody of our girlfriend in the breakup.
The dick pic bandit just sent me a poem about showering..
Randomize
