I just saw fred flintstone in my fruity pebbles!
what drugs are you on?
none, cept for the pain medication i got prescribed by the doc: it said 2 pills every 3 hours, but I took 6 cuz i'll be away from home later
dude thats like the second time shes peed on the couch at a party. we cant invite her anymore
The door to door salesmen do not expect you to be drunk at 3 in the afternoon
cheating on your boyfriend is the best diet ever, I've barely eaten in days. The guilt is killing me
i'm sad. The beetle crawled away. I was only trying to get him stoned.
when I came to get Jamie there was a cop standing outside with her, made me roll down my window to tell me "she's got to go cause she won't keep her shirt buttoned"
I'm gonna look back at these days one day and be like "damn I shoulda been turnt but I was in bed instead watching netflix"
Yes. He better. Or I will shave a penis into his beard while he sleeps.
ok so i got home drunk and was cleaning my kitchen and i was shaking out the throw rug and dropped it out the window, i'm sorry
So apparently being drunk at work isn't allowed.. who knew?
I haven't lost it. I know I'm not a prophet. It was a joke.
After the edible you claimed you were talking to my cat. We're in our 30s now, what was once cute is now a liability.
Last night I actually told him I came with a washer and dryer
You did an excessive amount of blow and then screamed "WHO THE FUCK NEEDS A LADDER?!" And then Mario style wall-jumped onto the roof. It was one of the most impressive things I've ever seen.
My life is a random series of events connected only by bottles of Seagram's 7
It's like a donut of clothes around a pair of heels. Like they were transported to another dimension naked.
Randomize
