So. Did i wake up at 430, try to drive home, stop to throw up at a shell, and try to clean out my car and drop my keys in a full dumpster? Yes.
yeah seriously, fuck school. I'm changing my master's thesis question from "what are the neuropsychological correlates of antisocial personality" to "will my cat drink this beer"
Found my little brother jerking off with a condom. he said he was "practicing"
OMG its one we used last night
Does your gf have any friends she can hook me up with?
Better looking than her though please.
Stripper told me "sorry i'm not squezing my tits in your face much, I just had a kid and don't want to squirt you in the eye with milk. " in the middle of my lap dance
I don't know how it happened, one minute we were talking about Huck Finn, the next minute I was blowing him behind the corner of his apartment building.
Someone played tic tac toe on my abs?
Starting drinking whiskey at eight. Already had ten girls looking up my kilt to make sure I'm wearing it right.
I burst into tears on the boat this morning because we bumped a duck in the head. I am way too hung over for today
this is definitely the first time I've ever had an orgasm and then had potatoes smeared on me within the same hour
just like cleaning my room and being more organized in my life. more so just making sure a toaster doesn't end up in my car again for 2 months
Taking care of a girl who just peed on my floor so tonight is not a good night for sex
He told me he wished he could shrink down to a small size so he could live inside my cleavage
Knowing there are different types of spiders in different countries and regions makes me never want to travel.
I sent her a video on Snapchat of me cumming, with a Father's Day snap filter that said "#1 Dad".
Randomize
