He gave his mom his old phone, and I am SO paranoid
Did you send adult things?
Um. Yes would be the understatement of the year
Just saw a white stretch Hummer limo outside of CiCi's pizza. Way to live up to the stereotypes, Alabama.
It was annoying to wait 4 hour for him to be inside for 5 seconds.
my dad's beating me at drinking again. No matter what i do I can't win.
Some kid just walked into class with his schedlue written on a keystone box.
Also: how drunk is your brother? He just left me a message as batman.
The cops said we could pay $250 or spend the night in jail and get 2 free meals. I might pee in mail-boxes more often
I wanna introduce you to my balls, Thunder and Lightning.
he forgot we were at my place and not his so he tried kicking me out of my own apartment by saying "so, you can go whenever you want...."
Just got discharged from the hospital after getting my finger stitched back together don't you dare say you had a worse night than me
I just put on underwear fresh outta the dryer and it's like tiny Angels are giving them warm supportive hugs all over
She thinks you guys are the gods of the bathroom. If she runs past you naked, give me a heads up
Gonna be late for work. Sex comes first. Priorities.
The creeper at the bar just realized we have the same birthday and bought me four beers already. He walked off so I took his change and dashed, i'm bringing the case over now.
It was like mission impossible.
but with sex.
Randomize
