For some reason, my father is not responding to the 5 texts I sent him that all read: "Dad dad dad dad dad dddaadd dddddaaaaaaaaad dad".
apparently breaking a beer bottle and then throwing up in a urinal is a terrible way to pick up girls.
I hurt. I blacked out in a onesie. Reevaluation needs to happen.
Well fuck that. I mean, I made out with my cousin once. Who gives a fuck.
You can't call dibs 8 years later.
They have a booking log online so i can just check that instead of call
Technology: making bailing your sister out easier since 2008
So the contents found in my winter coats this year: coat 1, condom and 10$. Coat 2, condom and 75$ check. Coat 3, 2.05$ and a sunflower seed.
Obviously coat 3 had the best time since you used the condom and all of the money
You know what's even more awkward then buying plan b from someone who is a member at the gym you work at... When they come in after that day and have that look of recognition
Hey do you eat chocolate chip pancakes with bacon in?
DO NOT MAIL ME A PANCAKE
She's like a solid nine. Well maybe not a tomorrow morning nine, but she's a nine right now and trying to take me home.
I just remembered I made you punch yourself in the face last night and I would like to formally apologize for that even though it was hilarious.
I vaguely remember a drunken mid sex pinky promise to not let it get weird.
Ive decided to see your threat against my life as you flirting
I don't know. Seeing the vagina stretched out beyond normal proportions is like watching your favorite superhero die.
He in a way got kinda cockblocked by Jesus
Randomize
