i just spent an hour trying to convince my blind date that star wars is better than star trek. help me
I seriously need 2 stop fake jacking off in peoples faces at work...the I.T. Guy just showed me the security surveillance tapes.
sorry I didn't call you. I had your number saved as "girl that offered bj but didn't follow thru".
Holy shit. This 2 year old just told me her nipples were for her boyfriend. Hello future leaders of america
new girl just came onto the hall stumbling drunk with no shoes on and the guy who brought her doesn't have them either
Are you in a cab?
I'm close- can you order me a bowl of vodka?
For future reference "I'm too drunk to come today" is an acceptable line to get out of work. I love my job
Maybe he'll be famous someday and I can forget that anything embarrassing may have happened and just say that I fucked that famous guy.
I remember you licked my face and said that's all you're getting
he told me while inside me and mid thrust that he's dreamed of that moment since high school... awkward
There is not greater feeling than lying to your boss and leaving work to shit in the comfort of your own home
Drunken snow shoveling. Visiting my family is starting to become a seriously risky venture.
OH FOR FUCKS SAKE! SOMEONE TOOK ME FOR A GODDAMN PROSTITUTE!! IM WEARING LEG WARMERS!!! THAT IS LIKE THE LEAST HOOKERISH THING TO WEAR!
I woke up in some kids room and he introduced me to his friends at breakfast as "Monica" so I just went with it.
She climbed in my window blew me and left. She's in my phone as the blow job fairy
Randomize
