Yeah I'm buying him lunch right now because I shot him with the fire extinguisher last night
Bad idea. College students cannot afford both alcohol and a cat. Unless said cat is irish, and can feed itself with fifths of whisky.
I love watching the kids I sold drugs to score touchdowns
I found the perfect eye liner, it passed the blow job test, no smudging!!
I went to the haunted house just to see her - Hello new fetish!
I can't tell if they're having sex or watching the beach scene from Saving Private Ryan. All I know is I hear explosions and men screaming and crying
This is one of those moments when you do what I say or I come stalk you down like a gazelle.
The bachelorette party was all fun and games until the strippers came. AKA you guys.
I apologize for chief "dances with dolphins" sucking on your friends foot
She was covered in mud grabbed my crotch and said see that handprint that means I called dibs
My diabetic professor who apparently didn't eat anything all day keeps passing out. I gave him a joint. He's gonna be fine.
After last night, I think I need a service animal to monitor the life choices I make when I'm inebriated. A monkey, or a clever dog. Or a really assertive parrot.
AND HOLY SHIT FLUBBER IS ON NETFLIX
He unofficially told me he deleted his tinder because of me. I think that’s a pretty romantic gesture in 2018
I love when Facebook suggests people I may know. Well, yeah, I know him. He's my drug dealer. Pretty sure I want to keep that relationship strictly professional.
Bud light made chelada as a breakfast for those of us with class at 8 am
Randomize
