Dude my date hates me, Im on a rooftop full of Turkish people, and Ricky Martin is blasting on the radio. I was wrong earlier when I said I have my shit together
I just got three quarters of the way there before I realized I was way too stoned for class so I bought a smoothie and walked home.
You would not believe how incredibly hard it is to climb on top of a three story apartment buildings roof from the air conditioning unit
he asked me for a gerbil feeder full of alcohol
do you think she knows her nickname is brickface?
the last guy with this job had a bookshelf fall on him. He's in the Er. Im high and they gave me his shift. How do you think i feel?
I just saw him carrying his little sister while walking his puppy. And he was shirtless. I swear my ovaries just exploded
do you know how ratchet you have to be to get kicked out of a drag club on Halloween weekend??
You called me to pick you up from the bar at 9:00. When we drove over the speed bumps you put your hands in the air and pretended you were on a roller coaster.
My synapses wont fire in a pattern that will process those facts
i ended up making out with my new neighbor in a stranger's car that we found unlocked on a driveway somewhere. apparently drunk self never say "no" to adventure.
MY FUCKING CAT JUST GAVE BIRTH AND IM FUCKING STONED AND I FUCKING DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO!!!
I found my grandmother's vibrator, how was your day?
Oh dear. Sending much love.
Just send a machete.
I'm super depressed and stressed and I just want spaghetti and sex...
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