the bitch is dead man
YOUR DOG DIED?
no i meant my mom has passed out .. so i'll be over soon.
i just woke up and "where the fuck is taco bell" was in my search engine...
I just realized I use Twitter to keep of track of when I get drunk.
you kept insisting that i was jake gyllenhaal and you were heath ledger.
As much as I'm all for laying on his living room couch, watching spongebob and having spoon sex, it's becoming a routine.
Every time I stand up, gravity punches me in the tits. This is horrible.
I hugged the bouncer as we left.
Don't do shots out of Tostitos scoops.
Somehow i instagrammed my acceptance letter while blacked out. Then my grandma was the first to comment on it. I got over 50 likes....Phd here I come....
They had like literally all the dildos. It looked like a seance for dick. I left the apartment and haven't been back.
This is like a walk of shame down memory lane.
Oh no...did you put star fish over your nipples again?
if they didn't want us to do blow at uni, why would they make textbooks so smooth?
You shoulda seen me try and clean up custard from an eclair off the floor while trying to pretend to be sober for my mom. Fucking hilarious.
Just find a separated / divorcing man. They’re too upset to fall in love, too helpless to be alone and too horny to think straight. Smile at him the right way and he’ll be thrilled to be with a sexy younger woman!
Randomize