So I'm playing pool in my cowboy boots and some guy came up looks at my boots and goes, "you should've got the boots with the fur"
So random guy from last night came over tonight. I told myself I wasn't going to sleep with him but he had some killer dirty talk and a big penis in his arsenal...what was I supposed to do? Supposedly he lost his virginity to his wife and since their divorce a year ago I'm the 1st girl he's slept with, I feel like I just re-took his virginity...I feel like a rockstar.
When my girlfriend drinks sangria it's like winning the vagina lottery
'fingered' and 'feelings' NEVER belong in the same sentence.
I'm home with mono, wearing knee high socks, shorts, a stained old shirt, and a surgical mask. He comes over ANYWAY with soup, a gas mask, billions of DVDs, and eats me out. He's either stupid, whipped, or i'm just THAT good.
i was that girl throwing up in the urinal. it was a dark moment in my life.
I'll be thirty in eight months. I think my goal is too stop changing my pants in the parking lot at work by then.
My doctor wrote down abstinence as my form of birth control. #ihavenodatinglife
I found my grandmother's vibrator, how was your day?
Sex in a tree, bucket list CHECK!
I could be the Kenny Powers of Sex Therapists.
Dude they are making elephants out of dollar bills. I'm way too high for this
Question: anytime during the past week did I drunk dial you and give you full permission to grab my boobs? Cus I know I said it I just don't remember who I said it to...
I just realized I'm not wearing clothes. I think my pants may be in the kitchen but I have no idea where my shirt is. I'm kinda worried.
I didn't mean that as an expression. I'm literally asking if you want to watch Netflix and do nothing.
Randomize
