he's chasing his jose cuervo with hot tub water
I let some guy put hot sauce in my asshole for his birthday
she worked me into her spring break cardio plan. im mondays and wednesdays.
We couldn't get our shit together to go to the bar, so we're getting drunk and facebook stalking all the girls who have gotten fat since high school. Any names you wanna throw out?
I'm promoting my liver to CEO of my body cause it clearly works harder than anything else.
Don't feel bad, we're professionals and we just housed burgers in burger king singing I believe I can fly
Don't ever give your dog some hamburger at midnight. Its impossible to enjoy a late night burger when your dog just threw it up all over your carpet. Gremlin rules work with dogs.
GOOD MORNING. Have you seen the Avenger vibrators?
I just had to pick up my "let's drink and make bad choices" hat, my banana suit and beer pong table from work. Until just then I couldn't figure out why I got fired.
That's true because who the fuck doesn't love Harry Potter and beer
do you remember yelling out "insecurity makes my pussy dry!" unnecessarily loud at the bar?
If I'm gonna have a rotation of guys, I really should stop them leaving boob bruises...
They were out of watermelon smirnoff, so we got you a fifth of 5 o'clock and an actual watermelon.
Shit happens dude.
Shit doesn't just HAPPEN on the kitchen floor you asshole.
You spilled your drink, and we laughed so hard my boobs popped out of my shirt.
Randomize
