I woke up this morning and thought "Im sure I've seen this house in a porno" and instantly googlemapped myself
What kind of poor, pathetic town do we live in where a horny teenage girl is sitting in her basement on a saturday night, unlaid?
I'll be waiting for you under the stairs with peanut butter and tequila ... Don't tell the neighbors
Why do bread and butter chips remind me of eating out your mom?
i'm watching the draft and making cookies. how am i still single?
I love drunk self when he leaves a prepacked bong for the morning... in the bathroom.
I'm confused about why you felt the need to ask me to buy you life alert for christmas at 3:28 this morning.
Waking and baking in my bathtub. In a giant sweater. And no pants. This is going to be the best 420 ever.
Let's just say that watching the sunrise in a space helmet is really the only way to do it.
I'm gonna make a therapist very happy and very wealthy this semester.
Come get me...we were walking home and she kept yelling "people need to get run over more!" then she just sat down in the middle of the street saying "it just feels right."
I woke up this morning to find a stuffed animal submerged in the toilet. I'm not entirely sure if it was the cat or Kara.
Legitimately sent a work email with "Hey, you kids, get off my lawn" as the subject line.
WHO DOES THAT ON A TUESDAY? This is not a Drake joke, the girl doesn't turn up OR down. She doesn't do anything.
They're the one who can profit the most when given the opportunity for blackmail.
At least that's how I've always seen it whenever I've been the Designated Driver.
That simultaneously explains everything and makes me very very terrified of you.
Randomize
