My mom make sausages for dinner...and all I could think of was your dog's penis..
he asked me to help him wrap his girlfriends birthday presents. Dont worry we fucked right after.
just woke up to overhearing her on the phone saying "yeah we fucked last night, that makes 42." should i get tested?
well i fucked her too, so yes.
do you realize that she was the awkward lesbian in high school and now bangs more girls than probably both of us combined?!
i DID try to find you last night. i asked where you were and you texted me the letter "e" and a picture of the dark.
Well, at least he doesn't refer to you as his associate. his mattress associate
At some point last night Lemondrops turned into me doing shots of vodka and eating sugar packets at the bar.
want to meet me after class and possibly get arrested for indecent exposure?
yes, i was eatting raw cookie dough and fingering myself at the same time.... is there a problem?
He tried to break dance on the island in the kitchen and ended up knocking over everyone's alcohol onto the floor then yelled "GUCCI" before vomiting
The fact that I can sew my leggings while intoxicated proves I'm a functioning alcoholic
But really, someone with a penis give me attention before I start posting nudes on Instagram.
Ugh... The hoe gods giveth and the hoe gods taketh away.
Considering what happened last night and how horrible I feel, I look amazing
Our fake lesbian relationship is better than her real relationship. Bitch be jealous
Randomize
