I just had to explain to the pharmacy cashier that the Plan B and thank you notes I was buying were not related.
Hulk Hogan has now convinced 2 women to marry him & I have yet to have a successful or healthy relationship. I am officially depressed.
Last night we hooked up in nothing but out UK shirts during half time. Never say I'm not a dedicated fan again.
Don't tell me wow. Tell me this is normal for college and in no way am I a whore.
My night sucks. It's really hard to masturbate with a broken finger.
I love being Chipotle's first beer sale of the morning.
Just ate a gummy bear I found in my sheets. So yeah, 2013 is SO gonna be my year.
the cops are being surprisingly chill about david hanging from a tree with no pants.
I mean, as I was vomiting in front of a giant crucifix I became acutely aware of my poor choices
If waking up at 6 50 pm every day and getting invited to go have sex as you wake up is what alcoholism is like I can get use to this.
Peanut butter and whiskey is not a dinner
2017 is my year to realize stuff. Move over Kylie Jenner
That's a gentle way of saying I passed out like an 18-year-old on his first trip to Tijuana
I mean, it's a romantic picture of pubes if I've ever seen one
I got subtly pornographic with a lollipop while we were talking and he got flustered and started to blush. If he’s not interested after that I need to turn in my vagina card.
Randomize
