we have pet lesbian snakes
If a cop asks you "Where do you go for fun?", it's not a pick up line...especially if he just pulled you over.
So my earrings and necklace kept jingling and hitting him in the face, and he told me felt like he was fucking a Christmas tree
There's a 24 hour period after giving head where you can't eat penis shaped food without me laughing at you
you were fixing your hair in the bathroom mirror and then fell backwards through the locked stall while she was in mid pee and fell on her lap.
Due to certain anatomical proportions it was less like fucking and more like childbirth.
A kid in my class today just asked if we have class on the 17th, then announced that he couldn't go anyways because it was the day after his 21 and he was going to be too hungover
Hooked up with a guy resembling a bearded Cher. I need the lenses on my beer goggles fixed. Pronto.
HELP! How do I get paint off the dog?
The only thing I like when I am high is sex. And Cheez Its. But mostly sex.
There is a reason my most meaningful relationship since 2012 has been with Duracel...
I'm playing trivia and drinking margaritas so now is not a good time.
I'm pretty sure i doubled the number of dicks I've ever touched, last night.
WHAT IS ALL THIS WATER BOTTLE FLIPPING NONSENSE? WHAT IS LIT?
YOUTHS.
Just asphyxiate me and toss my corpse in the Ocean. It'll be easier than whatever the next four or eight years will bring.
Randomize
