I need a leather bustier to keep them in.
Too kinky for 11:30am. Stop that.
you told him you liked to chip your nail polish to look like different countries. im gonna guess that no, you didn't sleep with him.
Saw a guy in a chef outfit covered in mustard talking jiberish into his phone running across the skywalk.
someone needs to get her out of the garbage can shes never gonna forgive us for this
The fish's death was accidental. We all said a few words at his funeral. Roomie wanted to play only the good die young as he swirled down the toilet bowl
Woke up with the note 'going outside. Ignore bloody spoon. Be back soon' taped to my forehead. Know anything about it?
You should get a handy in the street again, just to prove you've still got it.
Everything smells like beer. Everything. But I cant drag myself out of bed to take a shower. So beer it is.
This year i'm grateful for nothing other than the discovery that the uncircumcized rumors about him were wrong
Why is there a water bottle full of red wine on my desk this morning?
See you tonight.
I picked a bad day to wear the catch me fuck me shoes.
Did someone catch you and fuck you?
Well, our assistant supervisor caught us on the back stairs...he invited us on a double date with his fiance and him. I guess our job approves of the relationship?
I woke up with chocolate melted between my tits. I'd say that's a win for all parties involved.
You know that feeling when you wake up and your whole body just smells like a penis?
One lone grasshopper in the whataburger bathroom. Don't know how it got there. Scared the fuck out of me. Also puked over the side of the silverado fence. The horses looked disappointed. Animal magnetism is beautiful. You taught me well. I love you.
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