if i get killed by an online date, its your job to tell my parents that we met at church
At what number of girls whose last names are stored in your phone book as drinking establishments does it become excessive?
You know that hot fire fighter I fucked yesterday? Well him and two other guys are killing the fire on my stove. Awkward.
Definately going to wake up wondering what happened to the other half of my lip.
Fuck it dude, we gotta bounce before she starts talking about her steve irwin conspiracy
the room spins SO much faster in panama
I think I'm finally maturing. I'm happy he found someone. Good for him. I sincerely hope she doesn't choke on his tiny penis.
wine pong. its mother daughter day and i think she's mad. I smell like jager
Excellent idea. Nothing says "congrats for resurrecting yourself, Jesus" like Greygoose at noon!
Dick sucking on arrival? or would you like to cash that in later?
One day we'll be rich enough to go to rehab. Until then, fuck it.
The spirit of America is being too hungover to celebrate America right?
So by "wait for me" do you think he meant "Don't have sex with random dentists?"
Conference sex doesn't count if the dentist doesn't know your name.
Getting a lap dance from a girl you went to high school with really isn't as awkward as you'd think
And she called me out by name, nothing could have made it more awkward but it ended up not being that bad
I just snorted sandwich everywhere.
I hope it smells nice :)
IT DOESN'T BECAUSE I HAVE MEAT COMING OUT OF MY NOSE, DAMNIT.
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