I got so drunk I pissed the bed last night. He still likes me. He's a keeper
He is a keeper. You on the other hand are not.
so let's talk penis.
so im decorating easter eggs with my family and my mom is writing "Jesus is risen" and "God loves you!" on the eggs. i wrote things like "I'm naked!" and "there are drugs in these eggs!" on mine.
That fucking fat Asian kid that NOBODY invited is stuck in the dryer again
I think Charlie st. Cloud is the saddest thing I can masturbate to.
Can u check his last FB check in, then come pick me up from there. Blame it on the tequila
In the sauna. Drunk. When I close my eyes I think I'm a dog. Is that wrong?
My roommate says its rare that you can be tear gassed before you lose your virginity so i feel accomplished in life
His words said "save me", but his penis said "I'll take my chances"
and then we all passionately sang "what if god was one of us" until everyone passed out in the grass
Dude, I came home and you were passed out halfway through the front door in your Minnie Mouse outfit... with a beer still in hand
I knew it was you who came home last night because no one else would walk in at 3 am and start microwaving a burrito
Wearing Navy dress whites to a wedding is like having a magical panty removing device. I've never cockblocked a whole room just by existing before.
We had sex and then ordered pizza after. This relationship is looking good so far.
By the end of our first date my penis was pierced.
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