paul mccartney is starting to look like angela lansbury
headbutted the bartender, tried to bite the bouncer, and pissed on a cops shoes. and i still got laid. god, it's good to be home
So Ive been fucking her for the past couple months and i just found our that my grandfather and her grandmother were fuck buddies for a while. I feel like this is a new awesome family tradition that skips a generation.
Man the liquor store just wrong numbered me, its a sign even god wants me to drink
They thought we spoke German and French even though we just kept repeating "I give to you a cat" and "Are you drunk?"
I woke up this morning next to a stack of saltines & a txt from u saying "do it." it took me a second to remember wat was going on
like stop trying to get a relationship out of this when i'm clearly in the drunken mistakes part of my life.
please come upstairs a drunk asian is lying down n the middle of my room and i don't know him
Please ask me to tell you about the time I watched two of my friends chase my drunk roommate with a broken foot around downtown
I will be single by the day my lease is up (234 days). Plan accordingly.
I told him I was gunna have sex with him in both of our cars at the same time.
Welp last night I made out with the guy who slices my deli meat at publix. I'm sure there's a joke there but I'm too hungover to find it. Go noles.
Just drink your champagne out of a trophy like a fuckin winner
He has fairy lights round his bed.. And played Jamie cullum when we had sex... Hes batting for the other team right?
I ACCIDENTALLY MURDERED MY COUSIN
HOW DO YOU ACCIDENTALLY MURDER YOUR COUSIN
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