On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
When my girlfriend drinks sangria it's like winning the vagina lottery
So some girl kept staring at me and giving me these weird looks. That's when I realized she could probably hear the Mulan soundtrack playing on my iPod...
He doesn't know I'm infertile yet, that's when the sex gets good
Pretty much gone. He was in the backseat and kept whispering that his "toes felt like pigtails"
Guys, Black Friday does not exist in the world of dealing. Stop texting me asking what my deals are.
Plus now I feel weird sleeping with you. It's like shooting a three legged deer. It's already at a disadvantage and couldn't get what it's full potential deserves.
Definitely got a blow job in Charles Schwab's bed last night.
I love my job.
I DMed the cop that arrested me to come unlock my keys out if my car today
Spent tonight painting strippers in camo.
I loaned him a tie and then had to tie it for him. I'm like his weird lesbian girlfriend.
You got naked in his car? Or the koala suit was in his car? One of those sounds a lot less slutty than the other......
Also, apparently I'm only coherent when I'm drunk sexting. And then I'm grammatically perfect and impressively eloquent.
Like wanna sit on your face while you speak German hot
Hey bring in backup. its going to take a lot more beer than we think to fill up the water bed...
Randomize
