Listen the way I know if I'm drunk is if I have stage fright in the pisser if I do then I'm not drunk! And I definitely still do right now!
Umm went to talk to a client ended up seeing his semi erect penis. This is my life.
He gets creativity points for the hot sauce. But it may be awhile until my nipples forgive him
Based on the pics I have taken of hookups while they were passed out or sleeping, I have scientifically concluded that no two vagina lips are the same. They are like snowflakes.
Sarah likes to play this game where she leaves her thongs at every party. she hides them where hopefully gf's will find them. I caught her naked from the waste down in my freezer this morning
Even jesus won't love me after tonight. I'm going hard.
Found out it was only pneumonia. We celebrated hydrocodone cough syrup. Two long island ice teas at lunch and the random white powder we found in her purse. Mother of the year award.
I'm so high. Midnight pancake breakfast in bed
It's a sad day when you can't take off your pants and drink a margarita at work.
Girl in my public speaking class just gave a speech on weaves, God I love community college
I'm just like... Utterly amazed that we're still alive at this point. Who'da thunk it....
Is 28 too old to get fingered in Centennial Park? Asking for a friend.
I spent most of my night in the men's room eating popcorn on the garbage can conversing with strangers pissing
I need to get all the one night tinders in my system before I move back in with my parents
I need mimosas to revive my soul
Randomize
