im going to pretend im pregnant so i can eat a lot then i will accidentally fall down the stairs
At some point I made a semi-conscious decision that i was okay with sleeping in my own vomit.
he got up in front of the whole lecture hall and yelled that Charlie Brown's Christmas tree was his favorite book in the history of the universe. then he stumbled out the fire exit setting the alarm off. I could've jumped him right then and there.
i cant get the smell of ass out of my nose
we were having sex and the sweat made her make up run... seriously laid there and watched her face just melt into ugly.
I told her you were a premature ejaculator. She nodded and said "Really? Wow, how long's he been a Pilot for?"
you are both the best and worst wingman ever.
my new ipod has external speakers and a video camera...all i can think about is how much more convenient it would be for me to make a pretty decent sex tape
I think the pivotal moment was when we used the see and say as a drinking game with shots of whiskey. It was all downhill after that.
Please stop hiding condoms in my house. If I want to have sex with you, I will let you know. FYI, my mom found the ones hidden behind the milk. She was not happy.
he just gave me a love letter in polish. he thinks i speak polish. I DONT SPEAK POLISH
He started screaming "fuck me I'm Ryan Gosling" and proceeded to pick up the smallest guy at the party and carry him to bed.
Just applied for assistance with paying my hospital bill from my alcohol poisoning at age 16 while still a little drunk from last night. What is my life.
Circle of life?
For the record, it's NEVER ok to discuss my stripper-related injuries with my fiance.
It's seriously like a finger. But it's a cock. I don't know what to do. I feel like I fuck him to be polite.
Because making bad decisions is what makes our house great and I don't plan on changing that anytime soon.
Randomize
