My face smells like last night's lay. I need a whore bath. Or a corndog.
Today I ate a sandwich and half my molar fell off, feels like a semi sprayed into my jaw.
I wish i was spraying into your jaw.
I JUST WOKE UP ON A TRAIN
I SHUDNT B ON A TRAIN
he said "cool" when i took off my bra and proceeded to stare wideeyed at them the ENTIRE time. it was like sleeping with the kid i showed my boobs to for the first time in 6th grade.
I appreciate the offer. Swallowing pride is much like swallowing cum, difficult and unpleasant
Yo send me the pic of me stickn my dick in the paint bucket last night
Yes. No, I'm basically a superhero but with drugs. I'm robin hood. I steal from the rich (insurance and drug companies) and give to the poor (everyone I know).
That would be an interesting position... Not entirely certain how that'd work!
Gravity is no match for my libido
You thought you were drunk? I woke up at 6 o'clock this morning with a cheeseburger in my left hand a drink in my right with my window half way down. it was raining.... fml
My uterus feels like it went 8 rounds with Mike Tyson. And that was only a quickie.
STOP BUYING ALADDIN PANTS WITH MY AMAZON CREDIT CARD
If you binge watch Bill Nye Saves the World without me you can consider yourself single
What do you bring to an "I'm getting divorced party?"
.......Shattered dreams and tequila?
Sorry if that was awkward, i will never call you sober ever again
I've been getting a lot of emails from patron lately for being a great customer. Is that awesome, or should I start thinking about seeking help?
Randomize
