i thought i deleted your number from my phone...Wtf
I bet farrah fawcett is having words with michael jackson in heaven for stealing her thunder
He was sucking on my finger.... and it was at that moment that I thought: Man. I wish I had a penis.
I made friends with a raccoon. I pet it. Like I was Pocahontas.
I'm going to email her once I get off the bathroom floor
new years resolution, not be in jail at midnight for 3rd year in a row.
He's got serious oatmeal ass...take a moment and admire how google voice to text was able to detect oatmeal ass....twice
Can we dedicate this weekends marathon sexcapades to all the haters?
I feel like jumping into a breast pit right now. Like the old school ball pits at mcdonalds.
you can't tell me it's over and send me pics of you and your cat?
Oh god. I asked to "play his sexaphone" which I though was a super sex way to say "let me blow you". He fucking walked home at 4:30am
Just described you as looking like "a very cute escapee from an Egyptian insane asylum"
The struggle bus has heated seats and stops at Dunkin on Friday mornings so I'll be okay.
I was on tinder the whole time I was waiting for my pregnancy test results at the doctors.
you missed a good time last night.
you texted me at 10 telling me to come fuck you, that says enough.
Randomize
