In The Air Tonight was playing in the dentist's office. Had to stop the cleaner to do the drums.
We just had the worst moment of our late twenties.... We just realized we are too old for the real world
i just used shampoo as lube. why? because i'm worth it.
Any coincidence your getting married tomorrow and it's the most predicted day for the rapture? Just saying
There was a bottle of vodka and chips in a vase next to the bed
I woke up in nothing but a shower cap and your sparkling coke straw snorter thing inbetween my toes. Explain.
seriously. next time...underwear. I'm not spending any other holiday season wondering if it'll be my last babyless one.
Just had to find a way to explain to the border patrol that we were coming into canada "for about a half hour to have one last under 21 drink before kendals birthday at midnight." He said ok and told us where the closest bar was. Nice man.
I think I ruined his life by managing to get his initiation nickname for his frat to be "Whiskey Dick" but I still wish herpes on him and his fugly new girlfriend.
I have the WORST cramps EVER. I think this is gods way of saying 'you're welcome, last warning. stop being a slut.'
Is it bad that I coached my cousins 6 year old boy to steal a 30 rack of keystone out of an unattended cooler at our family reunion, or was I just giving him a social head start in high school? I err on the side of awesome.
He just texted me saying "you've got a face that suggests you give really good head". Is this a compliment? Do I say thanks?
He got hotter. I'm offended on behalf of the rest of our graduating year.
So...I'm pretty sure I have officially determined that reverse cowgirl is the only position possible to have sex in my smart four two
I pointed at him and said “there goes mr fuckwad”
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